My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

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[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?


*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“Who is this?”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”


If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.


I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.


[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]


NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!

DR DOG: You’re joking, right?


God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot


When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.


Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.