@julescategory5

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

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@sixfootcandy

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

@UncleDuke1969

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”

@SondraDeeMe

If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.

@Tbone7219

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.

@GrantTanaka

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]

@DrDogMD

NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!

DR DOG: You’re joking, right?

@TragicAllyHere

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

@BuckyIsotope

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

@GoldenSpirals

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.