@larabeesays sry
@julescategory5 My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
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@larabeesays 
@sixfootcandy [at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
@UncleDuke1969 *kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
@SondraDeeMe If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
@Tbone7219 I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
@GrantTanaka [dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
@DrDogMD NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
@TragicAllyHere God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
@BuckyIsotope When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
@GoldenSpirals Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.