My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.