My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters

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LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.


Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today


Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..

I don’t need that kind of negative talk..


“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.


Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.


English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language


“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.


Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?