My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
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Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.