My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
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In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Banderslack Clamberdorch
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!