my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
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Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
The point of your 20s
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Hmm, not sure about this change
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
#DesignFail
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic