My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
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I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.