@BunAndLeggings

My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.

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@reallifemommy3

Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then

@JustMeTurtle

Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.

Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!

@Playing_Dad

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

@PinkCamoTO

$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.

They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.

@graceupongracie

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring

@iGreenGod

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

@daemonic3

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.

@BrickMahoney

Ways cats are like toddlers:

– They love unrolling toilet paper

– They eat from cat bowls

– They suck at doing my taxes

– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge

@esbeeback

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment