My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.

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Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then


Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.

Our lab:


Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours


$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.

They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.


My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring


My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.


[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?


Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.


Ways cats are like toddlers:

– They love unrolling toilet paper

– They eat from cat bowls

– They suck at doing my taxes

– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge


Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment