My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
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Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end