My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
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@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
People buying plungers never look happy.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.