My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
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Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
rapatouille
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
The prophecy is fulfilled
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
adding to the discourse
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.