My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

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this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid


PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan


I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you


I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves


The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.


911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number


For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.


Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
*bangs gavel*