@cherryzigzags

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

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@GrantTanaka

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

@flashember

PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan

@osoplain

I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you

@envydatropic

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

@hollyberryness

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

@sizabledickhead

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

@wildethingy

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.

@KyleMcDowell86

Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*