Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

So, lemme get this straight…

Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…

[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules