@LizHackett I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
@meantomyself My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
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@LizHackett 
@HomeProbably Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
@Elizasoul80 My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
@thetigersez Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
@samalmightysam Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
@sofarrsogud [Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
@naazihah “Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
@lincnotfound professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
@ddsmidt Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
@Marlebean A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.