My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
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*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.