i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
You Might Also Like
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.