@MissHavisham

My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.

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@omswarth

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

@SheMightHave

When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.

@metickleu

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.

@TheHyyyype

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

@_itspat_

My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.

@AnOrangeSNES

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

@SCbchbum

The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.

@lisaandsquats

Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!

900 of you don’t read my shit.

@AmericanGent69

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

@Dani_Feld

That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.