My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
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Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.