My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
You Might Also Like
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
I thought this was funny lol
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.