My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
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police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card