My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
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Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.