My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
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Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Why is no one talking about this?!
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
why am I working on Labor Day
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Me if I was a dog
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Guantanamo Bae
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.