My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
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Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.