My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
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I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
synchronized noseblowing
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead