My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
You Might Also Like
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
twitter users today:
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.