My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
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[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]