My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
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My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
I’m having an out of money experience.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace