My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
You Might Also Like
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
“I wouldn’t.”
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
My therapist after every session
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
bought wrong eggs
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]