My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
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A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.