Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything

10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.

Stork: I have a baby.

Pigeon: I have the mail.

Canary: I have bad news.

Tier 3 meme

DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years

[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree

I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack

My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.