My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
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Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Thursday Thought.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
I just ran a .003048K
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary