My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
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My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
you know what ruined my childhood? children
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.