My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
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A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”