My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
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Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Why is no one talking about this?!
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On