My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
You Might Also Like
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.