My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
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where the womens at?
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I’m listening
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.