My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
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The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started