My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
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me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.