My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
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I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.