My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
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How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up