@velweb

My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.

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@SondraDeeMe

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

@RocketRankoon

What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny

@4shish

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.

@chairmanMAO_92

Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…

@jrza206

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat

@iscoff

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

@GABBYdaAngSaya

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”