My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
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Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
pizza
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage