My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
You Might Also Like
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.