My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
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If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”