My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
