My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
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If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.