My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
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[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.