My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
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advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.