My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
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got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)