Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.

Friend: Oh, OCD?

Me: Children.

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee

That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

[1994]

dad: are you looking forward to Christmas

me: yes, i cant wait!!

dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book

Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

“Do you have vegan options?”

“I’m a black belt in tofu!”