My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
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Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.