@LurkAtHomeMom

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

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@papasuncle

Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing

@mlinhart

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

@SoulYodeler

Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.

@QueenVofCoffee

When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.

@sliver_of

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

@citizenkawala

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

@dafloydsta

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

@HollyHeals

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.