@LurkAtHomeMom
@papasuncle Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
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@papasuncle 
@13spencer “I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
@mlinhart Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
@SoulYodeler Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
@QueenVofCoffee When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
@sliver_of I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
@citizenkawala Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
@dafloydsta [job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
@fillthevacuum *steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
@HollyHeals Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.