My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
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A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
I’m not wrong
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire