my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
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How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
saw this in a dream
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.