My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
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I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.