My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
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supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
God has abandoned us.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ